I hate Chloe. Daddy says that ‘hate’ is a very strong word but it can’t be, it’s one of the shortest words I know. I could understand if he said that ‘locomotive’ was a strong word as that’s really long and can probably hold a lot of things on it if it had to. Hate is so small, everything would fall off. Daddy is a silly man, because I really, really, really hate Chloe.
I’ve spent ages making my train and just like that, she has picked up the last carriage and sat on it in front of the television. She didn’t even have a ticket! I can’t tell the Guard as he will report me to the Fat Controller and I don’t need that hassle, not on this day, with such a tight timetable.
“Tickets please”, I’ll give Chloe a chance to return the carriage or pay for her seat. I hold my hand under her nose. I don’t think she’s seen it so I wave my hand in front of her eyes. I’m giving her a chance here!
“Out of my way Jeremy, I’m watching this!”, she slaps my hand. SLAPS MY HAND! Can you believe it?! She’s going to be in so much trouble now.
“Daddy!”, Ha! Now she’s for it.
“Daaaaaaadddddy!”, where is the silly man? Chloe needs telling off and at least that is something he can do. He has a good smack in his hairy hands.
“Daddy! Where are you? Chloe’s stole my train!”, Jesus! This is ridiculous! He’s only around when I’m being naughty, never Chloe. That’s why they think she’s so good, they never, ever, catch her. That’s another reason why I hate Chloe.
At last, Daddy is here.
“What’s the problem now Jeremy? I’m trying to make breakfast”.
“Chloe”, I point at her. I then point at the stool. Daddy is just standing there. I walk over and poke Chloe in the back of the head.
“Owwwwwwwww!”, Chloe screams out. It never hurt that much. She’s such a liar.
“Jeremy! Why did you do that?” Daddy is getting cross. At last, now Chloe’s going to get told off.
“Why did you just poke Chloe?” Daddy is looking funny. He does that when he’s angry. I point at my carriage that she’s sat on and then I point at my train. It’s quite obvious what’s happened here, even to the silly man … surely. Daddy shakes his head and walks out of the room.
“Jesus!” That’ll get his attention. It got Mum’s attention in the library. She told me not to say it like that as it sounds like swearing. I felt proud. I’m still in the Butterfly room at Nursery and already I know my first swear word. I couldn’t wait to tell everyone there. It must be an important swear word as Grandma says I should mention it in my prayers each night. I laughed. Silly Grandma, she’s very old and says very funny things. I decided I would just say that word quietly in my prayer so that Mum doesn’t hear me and get me in trouble.
He hasn’t come back you know. I go in the kitchen and he’s putting butter on toast.
“I wanted cereal”, which I did, not toast, the cereal that looks like mans. I call them mans because the cereal is lots of little people and fishes. I think the fishes are in the box so that the people don’t go hungry but Daddy says they are not real people and so wouldn’t worry about eating the fishes. That’s good because a bowl of mans and fishes will be really nice to fill my tummy. That’s if Daddy hurries up!
“It’s not for you Jeremy”, Daddy smiles. I don’t think Daddy has brushed his teeth as they look yellow like he’s been spreading his teeth with the butter as well. If I had yellow teeth I would use a white crayon and colour them in. There’s one in the toilet from yesterday. I was helping Mum then as she has made the walls new by putting square plates on it and filling the gaps with a big squeezy toothpaste. I liked it better before she started because there is newspaper all over the floor and messy dust everywhere.
I helped Mum by pointing out all the messy dust but she kept telling me that she knew about the dust, “Thank you very much, Jeremy”.
“Well, do something about it!” I told her. If that was my train track all over the toilet floor like yesterday, being all messy, she would keep going on and on and on about it. Now I go on and on and on about the messy dust and Mum gets all uppity.
“Don’t you speak to me like that!” Mum shouts, “You’re going on the naughty step”.
I don’t know why the naughty step is always in trouble. I just know it is always in trouble the same time as I am. It’s near the bottom of the stairs so I think it likes to trip people over when they run up them. Chloe says that I push her and that is why she trips but she is silly because that is why it’s called THE NAUGHTY STEP! Derrrr! It does naughty stuff. Of course I have to sit on it again because Daddy always believes Chloe and that is reason one hundred and nine, why I hate Chloe so much.
“I’m hungry now!” Where is my breakfast? I’ve been waiting ages and I will waste away. That’s what Mum says when I don’t eat my tea. But tea is disgusting as there is too much green and yellow on my plate. I hate peas. I like beans. I like orange but I am allergic to green. Laura at Nursery said she was allergic to green but she had a green top on and she was still alive so I think she was joking me. I know jokes. I tell jokes and Daddy says he will laugh so much that his head will fall off. I will make sure they are not that funny as I want him to keep his head on so that he can make my cereal.
“Knock, knock?”, this one is really funny so will watch out for Daddy’s head. I said this at nursery and we all laughed so much that we had to crawl around the floor like a cow and then wait to be milked. Was that after my joke or were we playing farms? I can’t remember now. Maybe if I was a cow and then was milked, Daddy would have enough for my cereal.
“Knock, knock Daddy”, come on Daddy, answer the door.
Who’s where? Now what’s he talking about? This is a joke, there’s no-one at the door.
“Who’s there Jeremy?” Must be the postman. I go over to the front door but there are no letters. I open the letterbox to have a peek at him but it is really bright. That’s good, the passengers are always pleased when it is sunny for a train ride.
“Jeremy!”, Daddy made me jump. The letterbox nearly bit my fingers. That was a dangerous thing to do, the sort of thing that Chloe does when Daddy isn’t looking.
“Jeremy, you said Knock, Knock? What’s the rest of the joke?”
“Not a joke, I’m a cow, mooooooooo”, keep up Daddy. I’ve been a cow all along and I need to be milked for my mans cereal.
“I haven’t got time for this”, Daddy never has time. I will find him a watch. He always says I’m under his feet but I’m not that small. I think he needs to look where he’s going and to stop treading on me. I’m surprised that I have any fingers left after clumsy Daddy feet and the hungry letterbox trying to eat them.
“Huuuuuuunnnnnnnggggggrrrrryyyy” If I say it long enough it will go in one ear and still be there when it comes out of the other ear so it will all be in his head.
“Are you really hungry or are you hungry because you’ve seen the toast?” Daddy is wobbling the knife with butter at me. He doesn’t look like he’s going to try brushing my teeth with it, which is good news.
“I want mans, not toast” I’ve already told him that I wanted mans. He never listens. All he says is that I’m four and he’s an adult and he knows best, blah, blah, blah and if I wait I’ll get my breakfast, blah, blah, blah, but I’m still stood here and I’m hungry. And anyway, he doesn’t know best.
He didn’t know that if you tickle your belly button, your bum falls off. Everyone knows this except Daddy who said, “Don’t be stupid Jeremy”, Stupid? It was Finlay at Nursery that told me and he was dressed as a Doctor at the time, so it must be true. Who’s stupid now Daddy?
Aha, mans and fishes in a bowl and with milk.
“Thank you, was that Jeremy?”. Daddy always says that.
I carry my bowl really carefully as it’s a ‘right royal pain in the bum’ when I spill it. We’ve got cats though so don’t see the problem. Failing that, Mum has a spray and cloth and she always says she hasn’t got enough to do in the day and has nothing better to do than follow me around, clearing up after me.
She doesn’t though. I dropped a biscuit behind the sofa last week and it’s still there now. If she had followed me about she would’ve known it was there and cleared it up. I don’t want to eat it now though as it’s all fluffy and fluffy biscuits make you sick. A bit like green things. Actually the biscuit is going green as well as fluffy so I am right not to eat it. Lucky escape. Might give it to Chloe and she will be sick on the floor and then she will go to the naughty step. Ha! Ha! Good plan Jeremy.
Daddy said that if I ate any more sweeties I would be sick but it wasn’t the sweeties that made me sick. I think it was the horrible tea I had. I keep telling them I don’t like cheese and I will be sick and I was because as soon as the sweets were in my tummy they met the cheese and they didn’t like it either and that is why they came up again. Even the cheese came back too. I did tell them. They haven’t given me cheese again, or sweeties, just in case but it is only the cheese that is difficult to eat. Chloe is never, ever sick and eats way more sweeties than I do, which is why I hate her. Horrible Chloe.
Wow! The train is full! There is George pig, two George pigs actually. My baby sister will have them so better get this train running.
“I’ve left the driver’s seat for you” says Chloe, “I’ve got all the other passengers to their seats and coupled up the last carriage. I think the Guard is about to blow his whistle. You’d better hurry!”
There’s always pressure when you’re a train driver. I need to get my cap on. It’s a bit big but if I hold my head back I can see under the front of it. You can’t drive a steamie without a cap. Think I’ll have to take breakfast with me.
The boiler is all stoked and I have checked the couplings. I don’t want to leave a carriage behind so this is very important. George pig has fallen off.
“Come on George, you can’t fall out of the train as you will get hurt. Now sit still.”
Right, all ready to go. Chloe has the flag and whistle and I am at the front. Breakfast has spilt a bit but this is urgent as I can’t let the passengers down. Daddy says that train journeys are very expensive so he will understand about the mans on the floor as there are a lot of people here that have paid all their savings.
Chloe waves the flag and blows her whistle. I let off the brake. And we are off. As we pull away I can see Chloe disappearing in the distance. I stand up at the front and shout back to her.
“Thank you Chloe. I love you”, because I do.
I really, really, really love Chloe.